Life Above

Some people think out a philosophy –

Some live one.

June 1934

[I’m unsure whether this is quoted text from someone else, or Lucille’s own words, but it stopped me short!]

I think the above phrase attempts to define a word or a trait that is difficult to aptly describe: integrity.

A person whose life and character are marked by integrity lives out her philosophy of living consistently despite the changing environment in which she may find herself. Whether buffeted by trials, plagued by loneliness or sickness or blessed by sunny prosperity, a woman (or man) of integrity maintains the same value system and her daily life is marked by such commitment by the choices she makes. It doesn’t mean that she doesn’t stumble or make mistakes or falter, rather it means that the overall scene of her life is consistent and not dualistic. It means that what you see is what you get, and even if it’s not perfect it is reliable.

An ink drawing titled “Vanity” by C. Allen Gilbert shows a lovely woman setting before her vanity table gazing in the mirror at her loveliness. If you alter your focus, you can see the picture is really of an ugly skull with gaping black sightless eyes. Artists throughout the centuries have depicted virtues and vices through allegory and in the Victorian Era there was a trend in the dualistic impression of optical illusion (another popular drawing depicts the devilish nature of gossip). The drawing was meant to incite discussion, rumination and self-examination. But it’s the idea of the optical illusion that I find interesting. Is it the skull or the pretty lady one sees first? Are both images “in” the picture, or is it what we see? Is it perspective or reality?

In her book, Use What You’ve Got and Other Business Lessons I Learned From My Mom , self-made real estate baroness, Barbara Corcoran says (and my quote here is not precise), “Most people think reality defines perspective, but actually it’s the other way around.”

The truth is, integrity is such a nebulous concept because the observer defines it: his or her own life experiences and perspective trains the eyes to perceive reality in a unique and individual way. Try as we may to be women of integrity, the observer’s vantage point and personal experience, much like how we view and respond to art, affects the overall impression.

An artist creates sketch after sketch and preliminary paintings to “practice” the message he wants to create through painting so the philosophical message isn’t just stated but actually transcendent from something two-dimensional to something soulful, imbued with the ability to create a stirring of emotions. These practice runs aid the artist in discovering and understanding for himself what he’s trying to communicate to the observer. How many practice drawings are tossed out in the “working out” of a great painting?

So, is living out a personal philosophy actually practicing, discovering and understanding one’s own self? Can we live out our own philosophy of living while we’re still developing and refining the message of our lives? I like to think so. I love the truth that nothing is static.

We live on a planet that is hurtling through space at an unimaginable velocity. Everything living on this planet is changing, growing, moving, dying. Water is rushing, evaporating, freezing, falling. Seeds are forming, flying, sprouting and producing flowers that are blooming and fruit that satisfies and holds within its flesh even more seeds.

So mistakes are actually freeing and change is the nature of living, and integrity is not aimed at convincing others of our consistency or perfection, but instead it is the “working out” of the message of our lives while we are living it.

The apostle Paul, in his letter to the church in Philippi, talked about the external ceremonies and accomplishments that he, at one time, considered had made him a man of integrity and a man of practical righteousness. In the face of grace and the lordship of Jesus Christ, everything he once touted as emblems of his personal perfection became rags of useless human effort (garbage), and he moved on toward “God’s call through Christ Jesus to the life above.” (Philippians 3:14) What marked Paul as a person of integrity was his fluid, human, graced-by-the-blood-of-Jesus, flawed, passionate philosophy to live big for God, whatever the cost, whatever the season, regardless of human perspective.

Now, the charge I give myself is the freedom to fail. To “forget what is behind me and do my best to reach what is ahead” (Philippians 3:13), gives me the space to acknowledge, feel, apologize, forgive both mine and others’ mistakes so that I can run, discover, grow, and win the “life above”.

Respect Comes First

{Top: Bella and I, Mid: Tam and I, Bottom: Angelo and I -- these are three people I respect and love :)}

The basis of any true friendship is respect.

(because lasting love demands respect.  Unusual, strong, passionate, deep love requires no respect – that theory sounds well written but does not work in real life, because if we love someone there is something in him that arouses that love and that “something” quality we have respect for.  Therefore respect comes first and is the foundation and cause of our love. – L.M.)

 

The parenthetical portion above were thoughts of Lucille’s. She wrote this selection sometime in 1930 – almost eighty years ago! Talk about timeless wisdom.

But don’t we all find ourselves in friendships bereft of respect?  I don’t know about everyone else, but I have had times when I wondered if I had any true friends at all. I have felt disrespected by others that I’ve invested so much of myself into, and in the discomfiting alone-ness, I felt my own self-respect ebbing into the darkness that engulfed my once sunny friendships. The more I questioned my own value in the eyes of these former friends (and boyfriends a long time ago) the more my value of self slipped away. I began to see myself as I thought they saw me and I entered the downward cycle of self-blame and self-pity. 

Perhaps the cornerstone of the foundation of respect that Lucille refers to is the true and straight and honest valuation of self, for how can we respect others when the perspective we turn inward is askew? When I place my personal value on performance, acceptance, likeability, accomplishment, the admiration of others, it’s like using a lumpy chunk of sandstone as the cornerstone of a building. It’s a disaster just waiting to fall apart. Here’s a little story to illustrate:

I recently visited my friend in Long Beach, California. We drove around all the historic neighborhoods admiring the interesting and beautiful homes built a century ago in one of California’s up-and-coming, prosperous beach cities. One circa-1920 mansion, not far from her art-deco apartment building rested in decline on a valuable piece of land just a few minutes walk from the beach.

“That house needs some TLC,” I remarked.

“They can’t do anything with it,” she informed me, “They just have to live in it that way.  I found out that the house was moved to this location but it was placed on a faulty foundation. Why it hasn’t been condemned, no one knows, but the foundation is falling apart under the house. It would cost a fortune to raise up the house and build a new foundation underneath it, so no one has.”

A beautiful location and a lovely house set on a crumbling foundation. No one cares for the gardens or paints the stucco exterior of the house and it shamefully stands out notoriously on a block lined with well-tended, historical homes.  In disrepair and neglect it waits for the inevitable.

A lasting edifice, like a European castle, demands a foundation that will stand up to the weight of years and pressure. A lasting love demands respect. An honest valuation of oneself and a clear respect for the other based upon truth, not simply performance or passion or even strong bonds of affection (like family, marriage, years of friendship) lay out the foundation that a long lasting love relationship demands.

Can respect, rather than feelings, cause our love to both become and to grow? I think of Jesus as described in Philippians chapter two. He knew who he really was, he had a clear, honest understanding of his value, yet he chose to respect that which he created (us!) to become like us, walk and work and love and hurt among us. And he did this all for and because of us. Understanding fully the value of his creation enabled Jesus to treat us with respect. The interesting thing about Jesus is that he never treated people with contempt or disdain or disrespect. His healing, his good news, his touch, his love was available to anyone and everyone. He never wrote anyone off as a lost cause. Performance and accomplishment mattered less to him than purity of heart and charity toward others.

How did Christ demonstrate respect?

He touched the untouchable.

Embraced the un-embraceable.

Spoke to those others would ignore.

Blessed the unimportant.

He was willing to like, and to love, everyone.

He taught in ways people could understand.

He shared the secrets of heaven with nobodies.

Jesus’ love came from the unplumbed depths of his knowledge of our value to God. 

You are valuable. I am priceless.  Everyone is precious.  If we base our friendships on that, wouldn’t things look different?

 

Or, do we rather dumbly wait for the inevitable demise because we won’t pay the cost to lay a new foundation? The cost of going back to do the work correctly is great: everyone will find out; it’s risky; it could reveal a myriad of issues we’d have to deal with; it might not work…. The doubts press us away from doing things the better way.

But it will work out. 

That “something” quality Lucille wrote about that arouses respect and love will impel us--once we begin to be willing--to complete the course of action that respect demands. And the reward? We’re rewarded with love and a strong foundation for our relationships.

We sometimes lie to ourselves and gloss over the obvious problems, just like the people who live in the house with a crumbling foundation. Subtle deviations from the truth all contribute to a foundation based on something riddled with fault-lines. Respect and love work in tandem, as fingers and thumb on a hand. To really grasp hold of something, we need all the parts of the hand actively working together.

“When respect comes first, it is the foundation and cause of our love.”

Well said, Lucille.